Transcript of AE 1317 - 5 Things to Never Do in Australia

G'day you. Mob. Pete here. Welcome to this episode of Aussie English. Today I am going to be reacting to the video the top five things not to do in Australia. The biggest mistakes a tourist can make. This is from the channel that British girl Jordanna Grace. Before we get into it guys, don't forget I teach Australian English. You can check out my episodes and content on the Aussie English Podcast, available via any good podcast app, and you can listen to these episodes as audio there as well. Anyway, let's get into it.

Here's the top five things you should not do in Australia. From Aussie spiders, beach disasters to Aussie slang. I've made all these mistakes so you don't have to. So to avoid a trip to the hospital or a hefty fine, make sure you don't do these five things and you'll have the best trip in Australia. First up at number one on our list. Don't swim outside the flags. The beaches in Australia are some of the most beautiful in the world. Clear sands, sparkling blue water. It's very tempting to just jump in right away, but so many tourists swim in rips thinking they're safe only to find themselves in trouble.

This is 100% true. It is probably one of the most dangerous things to do in Australia. Swimming at the beach, outside the flags. So if you go to a beach and there are no flags there, the flags are the things that are used to designate somewhere safe to swim by the Surf Lifesavers who often work at these beaches. If you go to a beach where there are no flags, that means there's probably no Surf Lifesavers. So if you get in trouble, you're kind of on your own. [And you're on your own.] It is one of those things. Every single year there are drownings from people from overseas. A lot of the time they're from places like India, Pakistan, South East Asia, where I guess they just have calmer oceans. They don't have the expectation that it's going to be as dangerous as it is. Maybe they don't have the strong swimming culture back home as well where they haven't learnt to swim really well. So there are just all these needless drownings that take place. If you haven't learnt to swim, please do so. If you don't know how to swim, always swim between the flags or at least get in the water between the flags.

Spot rips, and know how to avoid them. And rips a really strong currents that can just take you out to sea. But to me, being the tourist, it just looks like a nice calm part of the ocean. But nope! I had to be rescued.

To spot a rip, you'll usually see calm water when there's a surf beach, so there's waves coming in. And this is caused by when the waves come in. The water has to go back out to the ocean, right. And so usually the waves will come in and the water will find a sort of channel to go out back out to the ocean. It's a little deeper. The sand and everything will have been dug out a bit so that the water can flow back more quickly. So if it looks calm and inviting, have a second thought.

And sometimes on the beach you'll see these cute little blue bubbles. Oh, aren't they nice? No, they're blue bottle jellyfish. And there's even a blue bottle jellyfish season. And these tiny little jellyfish can pack a very nasty sting.

Those little jellyfish, they're not the worst thing in the world. They do sting. They do hurt. You're probably more likely to be stung by them when you're in the water. [Oh, it's pretty. I'm feeling all right, but it's still pretty stingy.] But obviously, if they've washed up on the beach. It usually happens from storms, wind and everything is going to be blowing these guys all the way to the shoreline. They are actually little jellyfish. They're multiple jellyfish that live in a colony, and they use this little sort of balloon of air to float on the top of the surface. So every single one of those tentacles is actually, I think, an individual animal, which is really cool. They're really cool little guys, but they are venomous being jellyfish. Yeah. If you get stung by one, I think you want to find vinegar. Or maybe have someone piss on your leg. [Eww! You peed on yourself?] And that'll kill off all the nematocysts, those stinging cells that would otherwise shoot out their little venomous harpoons. So, yeah.

Number two, don't feed the wildlife. I know, I know. Kangaroos and koalas and possums. They're all irresistibly cute, but feeding them can lead to them being sick and they're more reliant on humans. Plus, wildlife can be unpredictable. Feeding a kangaroo like this may seem like a fun idea, and you can do it in zoos and wildlife centres. But it's not going to be fun when it starts chasing you for more snacks. And do you really want to mess with this guy?

Kangaroos will fuck you up, man. They will fuck you up. [Oh! Go away!] If they are in a bad mood, even if they're just playful, especially the males. So these guys live in large groups. Mobs where males fight for rights to mate with all the females. And that's why they end up really buff and really strong. You know, they're competing the whole time, similar to, you know, deer. You'll see that that kangaroos biceps there.

And I remember I did some work in a wildlife sanctuary when I was a kid. And I actually got caught like in a headlock from one of these red kangaroos, and he was just playing around. But he was, he was strong as an ox. It was actually horrifying. And the scary thing that they can do is that they brace themselves on their tail and lift themselves back. And while they've got a hold of you, they will kick with their legs and they can disembowel you, right? They've got huge claws. They do this to one another, but they have, you know, the males have these padded, strong stomachs that can handle these kicks. Humans typically don't. And they do it to dogs as well. So yeah, just don't mess with kangaroos.

And feeding other animals too. It's the same sort of thing. It depends where it is. There's going to be places where it's okay and they give you, you know, you can buy or they give you the food that you can give to the animals without making them sick. Often you just don't want to encourage animals coming into campsites or your home, everything like that. A good example is goannas, large goannas in Australia, the Varanus varius, the tree goanna. These guys you'll find around campsites and they get into the bins. People feed them and they're actually quite large and dangerous goannas. You get bitten by one, you're going to have to go to hospital. So yeah, don't feed the animals.

My motto is don't bother it and it won't bother you. Oh, and just an FYI so you don't freak out like I did when I first saw this dinosaur looking, dead eyed bird. It's not actually dangerous. This is an ibis, but Aussies call it the bin chicken because it will just rummage around through bins.

Mhm.

And if you don't understand what I'm talking about just watch an episode of Bluey. They're basically harmless birds, like giant pigeons. I just didn't know that when I first saw it. I mean, it looks like a pterodactyl.

That was a funny story recently of these bin chickens in Sydney. I think there was a guy who was catching them and trying to eat them. And he got dobbed in, I think by his neighbour. Just.

They're disgusting.

They're just gross. I don't know why you would want to interact with bin chickens at all.

Of course we have to talk about, ugh, spiders. I hate spiders. So Australia is known for its variety of spiders, including some like the Sydney funnel web and the redback spider, which can be dangerous.

And B, they are dangerous. The funnel web will be worse than the redback spider. The funnel web is the one specifically around a very small area in Sydney that I think the biggest problem is that you're going to get bitten by one if you are gardening and not paying attention if you leave your shoes outside. And aren't paying attention when you put your feet in, they can get into pools and not die. And so you can end up accidentally, you know, grabbing one or touching one or stepping on one.

Typically, they're the ones that are going to be the most dangerous and likely to kill you in Australia. But that said, it just it almost never happens. Redbacks have killed a few people as well. They'll put you in hospital. I think redbacks are probably more insidious because they're so small, that if you put your hand under a bin lid or something like that and get bitten by one, you might not know. But spider deaths are so infrequent in Australia, I'd be more worried about driving around than I would about being bitten and dying.

But most spiders, like this massive and yet not deadly, Huntsman spider.

Huntsman is a little puppy dogs. These guys are honestly little puppy dogs. In fact, I saw a video the other day of someone on Facebook had put one of these in their mouth and he had his mouth closed. This is just close up of his face and he has his mouth closed and he just, his friend puts his hand in front of his mouth and he opens it and the spider comes out. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone being bitten by one of these. That's not a dare for you guys. You know, don't try and do it. But typically, Huntsman's, they're puppy dogs. They just want to be left alone. They want to climb up trees, so. They look big and scary. But really, you could probably pick most of them up with your hand. Take them outside, let them go. They're not going to hurt you, right? These guys are just not vicious. They're like Labradors.

And one of the biggest questions I get from people back home in the UK is like, they will never come to Australia. Because one, the flight is too long. And two, spiders in general.

I think the flight being too long is more horrifying than the spiders.

Just to clarify. When you land in Australia, there isn't some kind of King Kong sized spider waiting outside to get you. Australian spiders prefer dark, undisturbed environments such as shed, garages, woodpiles, etc. and indoors. They prefer areas like closets and attics and behind furniture. And this is really important to know when it comes to the wildlife. Yes, spiders and snakes are scary and dangerous, and what Australia is known for. In your day to day life, what you should really be wary of, are the magpies.Right. Don't mess with them.

I wonder if these birds have ended up killing more people than spiders or snakes, because there have been quite a few deaths I've seen over the last few years where it'll be like an elderly person on a bike and they'll get swooped by a bird and then, you know, crash their bike or fall over in traffic or something and get hit by a car. The magpies are what Australians, I think, are more scared of. Ask the average Aussie are you more afraid of spiders or magpies? And I think nine times out of ten they're going to be like, fuck magpies man, that's it. Don't mess with those guys.

[And Mark Sherwood's scooter ride really gets going. Hey!] Magpie mating season. Pay attention because this is serious. Because Aussie magpies are really aggressive..

That's a magpie.

During mating season. Signs are put up to warn you that if you go near them, they will attack.

They swoop you. They want to get you away from their nest. They do this when they have young birds in their nest, chicks in their nest, and they just want you away, right? So if you're moving quickly, if you're walking past, if you're on a bike, they're going to swoop you and, you know, maybe peck your head, scratch you, and they just want you to go away. We have this weird, kind of like, almost abusive relationship, this traumatic relationship with magpies, where I think 80% of the time, you know, 80% of the year. Australians absolutely love these guys. We love their calls that [Pete making bird sounds] call that they do, uh, they're just beautiful birds. They're often at camping grounds and cafes and stuff, wanting food and they're just nice. But then during breeding season they turn it on and they can be very vicious. So yeah.

They will swoop down on you if they feel threatened. And you won't believe me. But when Aussies have to go past these areas, they actually wear things like this. Like helmets with the spikes on. They'll paint eyeballs on the back of helmets.

That was a big thing growing up. You would always see the spikes on the helmets, right? Because obviously then they wouldn't be able to get all the way to your, your head or your face to get in there. [Damn birds!] And the eyes on the back of the helmet was all about. If you're looking at a magpie, typically it's not going to swoop you. Or at least that was the idea. I don't know if that was ever tested or not, but if you were looking at one, the idea was that it's not going to swoop you. But as soon as you turn around and it sees no eyes, that's when it's like, [Okay. It's go time.] So you would often see people with like glasses on the back of their heads or fake eyes painted on their helmet or stuff like that.

Like, this is how some Aussies have to live! Because magpies are endangered so people can't move the nest. So that is where their nests are.

I don't think they're endangered. Least concern that they're not endangered guys. They're just a protected native species.

And number three, don't forget to declare everything at the airport.

Yeah!

And if in doubt, leave it. Australia has a super strict biosecurity laws to protect its unique ecosystem. And if you're bringing in snacks or souvenirs or anything that's been near nature, you need to declare it.

It's not necessarily near nature, it is anything that is from the natural environment. If it's food, if it's seeds, nuts, mushrooms, meat, [Uh oh my goodness. It's a fruit shop.] Any of that sort of stuff. If you bring that over on a plane, you need to get rid of it prior to entering, I had a friend who was on the TV show Border Patrol, and she had come over from Brazil, and I think she brought over a necklace that had seeds on the necklace that hadn't been irradiated, so they weren't dead, inert. And so she actually got caught up because she hadn't declared them when coming into Australia. So, yeah, we have very, very strict border policies.

There was something in the news a few years ago with Johnny Depp coming to Australia on his private jet with his dogs, and he hadn't declared them. They hadn't gone through any quarantine or anything like that. And that was a huge kerfuffle. I remember being like, God damn it, dude, like, why would you just bring your dogs on a private jet? How did you not think that was going to be an issue? [And you forgot one very important thing, mate. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.]

Because getting caught with undeclared items can lead to hefty fines. I'm talking cha ching. [So today you're going to be fined $360.] I mean, you can't even take fruit into South Australia from Victoria, the state next door!

The whole fruit thing is about certain pests that destroy fruit crops, so there'll be things like certain fruit flies that get into apple crops and absolutely decimate the crops. And so they'll be common in one state, and another state may not have them. And so that's why they don't want the fruits going back and forth between states, because they don't want that disease coming in and just decimating crops.

I mean that's restrictions within Australia, let alone you trying to bring a snack over from somewhere else. Like at the South Australian border, there are bins that you have to put fruit in. Because if they catch you, you will be heftily fined. They're being serious! And in Queensland they've even banned rabbits. I don't know how wild rabbits know that they're not allowed.

Banned rabbits? Do they mean as pets? Wow. Rabbit pets are banned in Queensland. It's an offence to keep any variety as a pet. The penalty for illegally keeping rabbits is $71,875. While the rabbits are declared pests, landowners must take steps to manage rabbits on their property.

What? I never knew about that. It's a $70,000 fine in Queensland to own a rabbit. See, these sorts of rules seem so dumb to me because you've got an invasive species already living in the wild. It's already there. It's already probably fully occupied the available niche space in the wild habitat. Owning a dumb domesticated rabbit is not going to be threatening the wildlife, compared to the wild ones that already live there. It's kind of like foxes, right? You don't want to own one of these animals and let it go out. And people do it with cats. That pisses me off more that they have cats inside, and then they let them out whenever and they kill the local wildlife. It just blows my mind, though, when you've got this invasive species that's already there in huge numbers, you could probably, you know, own a Queensland property, look outside and see hundreds of rabbits, but you can't own one? Weird. I didn't know that.

And number four on our list of things you should not do in Australia. And that is diss the coffee.

Yeah, I was totally expecting that. I thought she was going to say 'miss the chance to try Australian coffee'. But then I'm like, she's going to say 'don't shit on Australian coffee' because we will come for you. [I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.]

Aussies take their coffee very, very seriously because it is very, very good. If you're used to that American style coffee where it's served in giant mugs, sometimes tastes like flavoured water. Well, brace yourself, because Australian coffee is a whole different game.

You never see that kind of stuff in Australia, that American style, i don't even know the name for it, right. Where you have effectively coffee powder. I guess you have it filtered through into like a kettle type thing that just sits on a hot plate and stays warm for ages, and you guys just keep serving it at places. No Australian would ever lower themselves. [So they live like animals.]

And I'm half-taking the piss. They would never lower themselves to, to drink that kind of coffee. You would just that's. Yeah, it's a weird cultural thing that every time we see like American cafes that that serve that or were diners. I guess you would call it would just be like, what are they doing? Why, why, why? Just make a latte or cappuccino or a flat white or something. Like, it doesn't take that much more effort and charge more money for it, right? Like. [Cha ching! Cha ching!]

Yeah. It's a weird thing that American culture has ended up with that kind of coffee as ubiquitous there. Although, you know, I'm sure that there's good coffee in everywhere around the world, right? UK, America. You just have to try and find it a little harder to find. Whereas in Australia you will find good coffee on pretty much every corner. There's shit coffee too, but those places get kind of found out and avoided pretty quickly because you just have so many options.

A flat white isn't just a fancy latte, it's practically magic bean juice. The flat white was even invented here in Australia. So if you're looking for your drip coffee, good luck finding it. Instead, it's all about the espresso based drinks. So embrace the Aussie coffee culture while you're here and get ready for the magic. So if you want a proper Aussie coffee, there are so many small independent cafes around. And my pro tip is when the barista asks you if you want sugar in your coffee. It's because they want to add it while making the coffee because it makes it so much smoother.

This is, the sign of a good coffee for me is often that you don't need sugar. It won't be overly bitter. You'll have so many of these different flavours in there from these really high quality beans that have been roasted well, coffee's been poured well. It's just brilliant the way it is. You don't need to add any of this other stuff to it.

And finally, number five is don't whine. So the term 'whinging pom' is there for a reason. I mean, I know we're good at it, but Aussies aren't a fan of the cliche, but they do love good banter. So while you're here, I wouldn't complain about the heat and how far everything is. I mean, you've flown a long way to get here. I wouldn't spend your time like complaining about it. Aussies won't take it well. So just enjoy yourself. And if Aussies make fun of you, it means that they like you!

Yeah. So there's a little bit to unpack here. It is interesting how we do give Brits or poms a bit of shit because they whine. It's not to say Australians don't whine. The difference is probably that you have someone who has come from a different country to your country and then complains about your country, which seems like a strange thing to do. [There's a time, and a place.]

And I think, yeah, Brits, for better or worse, have a reputation for having a whinge, having a whine about the temperature, about the sun, about loads of stuff. I don't know if it's so much a cultural difference as it is just they've come from Britain to Australia and then tell Australians that this is a problem. We don't like this, we don't like that. And you're sort of like, well go home. Like if you don't like it. [Why don't you leave then?]

But yes. And the whole giving each other shit thing. This is such an Australian thing. Culturally, we will rag on each other, we will make fun of each other. And it's that banter thing. Brits quite often get this. They have a similar kind of take to it. If you watch anything by Ricky Gervais, you know, as a comedian, he's fulfilling that kind of cultural stereotype that Australia is known for as well, where if we like you, we often make fun of you and we expect you to make fun of us. And if we don't like you, we just won't talk to you. That's pretty much it. So tell me what you guys think. What should you avoid as a tourist in Australia? Youtube reckons you're going to enjoy this video next. Tooroo!