Transcript of AE 1424 - The Biggest Lie We Were Told About Adulthood - Part 2

Kelly, what's going on? Welcome, welcome back. It's the second half after we were so rudely interrupted by my daughter.

What does she want? Like.

She woke up in the middle of the night, I think, or was in the middle of the night, but she woke up and was like, uh, what are these voices?

Where's my mom?

So we were talking about, I think the things no one warned us about, right? Like the mortgage that we have to pay each month and how full on that is.

And kids.

G'day, guys! Welcome to the Aussie English podcast. Grab a cuppa, get comfy and let's have a yarn!

What became harder than expected when you became an adult?

Socialising. Making friends.

That's. That's a good one.

Having patience with people like not so much. They would get angry, but just. You don't care.

What do you mean?

Hence, you can make friends as easily. I just like you put up with so much when you're young. I feel like you know someone who is always late or is always stingy and you're like, whatever.

Yeah.

But as you get older, it's like, why am I doing this? So you just sort of let those friends. Right? These friendships sort of drift away because you're like, you don't have the same tolerance for those, those things.

Well, you realise it's not balanced. It's not, it's not reciprocal. You're not receiving back what you're putting in. And I think you become aware of that and just feel a bit used, right. Or at least like it's not as good as I...

Know that probably people like, you know, have stopped talking to me or reduced the amount of times they reach out because I'm so- they'll, you know, I've got my own flaws, but like I've noticed it's something that like I struggle, struggle with. Like, I have a very small circle and I just yeah, for me to go out with people outside of that or like even it's as much as I love, you know, being around people at times, it's just not easy.

I've noticed that with you though, in recent years or two probably that you've put a lot more effort into actually socialising with the circle of friends that you've got.

Yeah, I do.

Was that conscious?

Yeah, to an extent. I think most of us are on the same page in life.

Yeah.

It feels like at times with certain friendship groups, I'm the sort of glue, you know, and I don't mind being having that role. Like, I like organising, you know, outings and things, but also I, yeah, I do need to go out, you know, it's sort of part of my mental health management sort of thing. Like I need time outside. Like I like going out for dinner. I like doing all those things. And I do plan and organise ahead to have that time with, with people. Yeah. But I guess, you know, if one of us sort of like starts to let go a bit, it's so easy to be overwhelmed and busy with your own life and things like I feel like, I don't know, for you, you have more of that. Like I can't be bothered, you know, like I can't, you know, it's too much work. If it was all set up for you to go out, to go out and have fun or whatever, it would probably say yes. But as from my perspective, it's like, well, you have to plan. You have to make it work with people's availabilities that might not line up with yours.

You're right. It is exhausting. And I think too, being the base for like the family, the kids and all their events, you and all your events, I'm like, I don't want to add to my own headache with having to worry about extra stuff on top of that. So it's like, I'll just take it easy and just let you guys do whatever, and I'll be the foundation that sort of like tries to bend around it all.

Well, yeah, and also, I think, I don't know, but I feel like you don't have that sort of need for, you know, hanging out with people and friends.

I do. But I think I got burnt, like, again, it was that thing to be candid with you. It's like my high school friends just kind of disappeared. They were the kinds of men that ended up with pretty controlling wives and controlling women, without mentioning specific names where the women kind of- I think like you, they were the ones, the women were the ones who were socialising and sort of controlling everything. And they also kind of decided whether actively or not that I there's certain friends that I don't like and you're not going to hang out with them anymore because I always hang out with you and I don't want to hang out with them. So there are a couple of my friends that are like that where I think because I think, you know, I've noticed that because my personality doesn't gel very well with their wives and they're always with their wives that their wives are just like, yeah, we're not hanging out.

That's what I don't get. Like...

I know! Neither do I, neither do I.

I don't, I- no.

I said this to you because I've complained about this before where I'm like, you could have the worst friends imaginable. And as long as they're not getting...

Harming your children.

Yeah.

Saying, you know..

Getting you to do drugs or to do horrible things that are going to damage your life or your relationships, I'm like, if I don't like them, it's none of my business. These are your friends. I want you to- like, if they're not doing any harm to your life, my life, my kids life, then you can be friends with them. If I don't like them, I don't like them. That's my problem.

It's not up to your partner to choose. I don't think who the other partner is going to hang out with as long as there's like, you know, you do whatever I as my respect myself and I want these people around my children, but whatever, you know. Like I think the controlling sort of like you can't hang out with this person because I don't like them when it's very...

I don't even know how overt it was. And I think.

If that was the case.

The two men that I'm thinking about in particular, who I've been friends with since I was 12, where this has happened, and I probably see them usually by accident with other friends once every 4 or 5 years now. And just if you message them, you don't get replies. They seen, no reply, and you're just like, okay. You know, I send them birthday messages. But I think what's probably happened is it's, it's kind of less of the, the woman sits him down and says, we're not hanging with this guy. And I think it's more. The woman says, I don't really want to. And the guy's like, well, like me with you and socialising, he's just like, I'm not gonna make my life any harder. I'm just gonna do whatever you want.

You know, it's like I don't want to go. You do whatever, you know? Like, I don't want to be there. You go. You wouldn't pay me to do that. You do it. Like, I just genuinely don't see why they would stop if they valued you.

I think it's a confidence thing too.

And also, I truly believe we see that with some family members.

Yeah.

It's hard to get off, get out of your little bubble and to allow other people to enter your life.

Yeah.

Even if you're related, it's hard to make time for that.

And the irony is you need to be more open to allowing new people to come into your life. I think one of those things I noticed is some of these friendships, you just have to kind of let go. It's not that you need to say goodbye, but you kind of just let them do their thing and things. People separate, and then maybe later you'll come back in when different parts of your life, you know, come together and. But also I think you need to let new people in who are at the same stage of life as you.

Yes, exactly. Like you have, you know, your...

My guitar mates? Yeah, exactly.

And well, and friends of who are now parents of kids who go to school with our kids.

Yeah.

It, you've had to make kind of like a conscious effort to spend more time with them and get to know them.

Yeah.

Even if outside of that, you wouldn't have become friends with them, you know, because you wouldn't have crossed paths. But now that you have, you kind of have to try and put in more effort to foster those relationships.

I think it's easy to bond with people, let's say people with kids, because we have this thing in common that we can talk about.

Yeah. Well that's it. You need something in common.

Yeah. I wonder, though, if I would be friends with the people I'm friends with if they weren't like, mothers or, you know, somewhat in that sort of same age or.

Well, I think you always have to have some kind of overlap.

I have one friend. She's like, I would say like 20, 21. And it's so funny because we always hang out with like, there's three of us.

This is the accountant from work?

Yeah, there's three of us. And it's like my running mate and myself, like we have kids and, and we run together. We have all these things. And she's like, so outside of it, but somehow it works. Like.

What's the overlap of interest?

But to say saying that though she's very, very mature for a 20, 20 year old, like she's not, she's bought a house. You know, she just it's, it's not so she's not the average.

She's an outlier.

20, 20 year old, you know, not every day you see someone so young, so.

Organised.

Organised! And like so good financially. She's like, she's a freak. In a good way. But it's, it's hard. I find it to, to even talk, like, share stuff and, and relate to people much younger.

Well, and you just have to be open to when the right person comes, whatever their age or whatever you just have to do.

You get all this sense of, as I get older, I'm like, you don't know anything about Pokemon. Like, you know, just like you don't know anything about anything. You know, like I, I try to fight so hard.

I was gonna say, Mama, I was- sorry I called Kel mom sometimes because of the kids. I was obsessed with Pokemon as a kid, so I know lots about Pokemon.

What I mean is like, you get, you know, someone much younger. I'm not talking about someone like mid 20s or whatever, much younger. And you're like, I'm just gonna listen because you don't know anything. But it's such an old person kind of thing. Like, oh yeah, back in my day, like you, I find it so hard because that's these are the people we criticised when we were younger and now we became them. I was like.

Yeah.

Oh no, I'm that dude that says, oh, back in my day.

The thing that we hated, I feel like it's like that with music. Like I'm not listening to new music. Like from new artists that are in their 20s that has just been released. Like, but I think it's a natural progression.

Yeah..

I think that tends to be the case, but I'm open to it. If someone were to show me but I'm not active. Yeah, I would if it was good. It's good. I'd be interested, but I'm not actively searching for it. Yeah, if that makes sense. Like I'm not sitting on Spotify like all the time.

Ooh, the new releases. Yeah. No, absolutely not.

Because I kind of I know what I like, I've got the set of music that I listen to that was released 20 years ago that I listen to.

That's another thing that you don't realise until you get to a certain age how much you stop. Like from my, like speaking from my experience, like myself, I don't listen to new music. I pretty much stopped at the 90s and the 80s. Even back in like 60s and 70s. And I stick with that. And that's I go through the same, same music every time, every day. That's all I listen to, and it feels like I've stopped there in time, like I'm still there.

Why do you think that is?

I'm still that person, you know? I'm still that 20 something, you know. Me, sort of early 20s.

Do you think it's nostalgia as well?

Yeah. And you sort of gives it I think it gives me this feeling of I remember what it was like, you know. Gives it this like youth sort of oh, these were the days kind of thing. I don't know, but I don't go out listening to new music. It's very rare for me to be like, oh, this new person's like most of the time working in a music school. Like, I have no idea what these kids are talking about. And...

The funny thing, though, is that a lot of these kids are still playing the old stuff.

And they are playing Oasis, you know, Beatles and all these things. It's like...

That's the saving grace.

Yeah. It's, yeah.

It- yeah, it is funny, I don't know, I feel like those formative years when you're a teenager are where you determine what you like in terms of music, movies, food, all those tastes. You're exploring everything at that age. And then you kind of you sort of fixate on the things that you like. And then I don't think it really changes. Like, I don't think you're going to be a metal head when you're 15? And then when you get to 30, all of a sudden you're into...

Jazz.

Yeah.

I was like, yeah, yeah.

Just completely change your, you might like it a little bit, but you're not gonna, I think the average person isn't going to go from loving R&B and hip hop when they were kids to them being death metal all the way, you know, like it's, you kind of develop a taste initially and then you stick with it.

I think it works for a lot of things. Somehow. This is going to sound very profound. You're sort of, you get older, but you're still that 20 year old, you know. It just, it's just a better version of that person with more awareness. A little bit more sophisticated, you know, in terms of like maybe music and experience, but you're still that person. Like you're, these are the most important formative sort of years of your life, I guess. So that is solidified in a way. It was still that person. You just got a little bit more, you know, baggage and, you know, a little bit more of, you know, life, but it's still that kid like you just.

So what's making adulthood absolutely amazing? We've kind of talked about the negatives a little bit, but what what is just the..

Is that..

The creme de la creme? Is there anything like the fact that death is approaching.

Well. Well, it's me talking so let's not.

I'm so dark and no one understands me.

I don't know, I guess caring less about what people think of you and realising no one is thinking of you. It's very liberating.

I wear a tracksuit every day.

You can literally start dancing in the middle of the road and no one would care. Like legit. No one cares. Everyone is thinking about what others thinking think of them like it's so it's such a relief to be like, I wasted so many years just trying to look a certain way or trying to belong here, and then you just relax and be yourself.

But I think that's unavoidable. You have to go through that.

Yes. Absolutely.

In order to find yourself and then be comfortable with who you are.

And just, yeah, that's really good. The freedom, like I drive now! That's a big- like, the freedom of you're so grown up when I'm driving, I hate it.

I love like a Musketeer because they got a license like three years ago, right? Yeah. So it's crazy. I remember you, we were I was trying to teach you at some point, and you would always be like, you would be arguing with me or whatever. And I'm like, dude, I've been driving since you were like, 16.

Told you. You're that dude, 'back in my day'.

I know, but I'd be like, can you stop asking and telling me all like, you know, are you sure that's correct. I've been driving for like 20 something years. Can you just listen to me? And you would just be like, I need to get private lessons.

I need to get a teacher. This is going to be the end of it.

But I remember that feeling when I first got my license and you felt sort of naked when you were in the car by yourself, because no one was in the passenger seat next to you. Because when when we're learning in Australia, you have you, you get your learner's plates, your, your learner's permit as well, the license thing that allows you to sit behind the wheel, but you have to have a fully licensed person sitting next to you at all times while you're learning. And then after you get the license, you're, you get the Ps, the probationary license for three years. The P plates.

Yeah.

And all of a sudden overnight, literally you even after the test, you can drive home with no one else in the car. And it's I remember that being such a like, oh.

It's so scary.

Is this a legal?

Like, yeah you do. I'm certainly doing something wrong. I'm just hoping no one is watching me. And to this day, sometimes I'm like, can I do that?

Yeah. Well, I just did!

I just did it.

I think that's normal though.

The freedom that comes as you age. It's something else. I read this thing somewhere the other day. It was like as you get older, you realise you become who you are, who you've always meant to be. You know, like you're just so comfortable. Not for everyone, obviously, but like you usually you get much more comfortable being who you are. You don't care.

See, this is why I fart in front of you, Kel.

Like, Jesus.

I'm just. It's a sign that I'm just so comfortable in my own skin.

Someone is uncomfortable. Maybe check.

It's like our kids too, they're always burping and Kel just loses it. She's always so angry.

It's so rude. It's so rude.

Oh, Mama, it's just kids being kids. It's just Dada being a kid.

Yeah. I just love that feeling of. Yeah. You don't. People don't question you as much. You know? What do you know? Like now you're the grown up. Now people come to you for advice. And it's.

The weird thing, though, is quite often people will ask you things and you tell them. And then I feel like bending over and being like, but I don't fucking know anything. Like, like tell the kids, you know, like, I mean, I'm old, but I'm doing it just like you.

Well, that's the thing that is hard to explain. You don't know anything, but you do. It's much more of if I could give any advice to someone much, much younger. It would be like it'll sort itself out. You know, all these worries and concerns you have now, it'll be just fine because there is no there's nothing else, you know. You really just learn a little bit here and there. We have some different insecurities. You still have them. You have different fears. Especially if you have kids, but you just, it's not like you're walking around. I know at all. And if you do that, it's you're faking it because no one does.

Yeah.

But you can rest knowing that no one else knows anything. You know, it's just really that position of. Well, I've I've made this far, and I must know a bit of life. You know, I must must have done something right along the way all wrong. And you're just like, well, I guess that's it. You just...

It's it's funny though, I have that moment of like, I think we talked about in the previous episode, when you're young, you see adults. And especially like when I was at school, I remember seeing other parents of other kids and being like, whoa, all these adults, they just have it together and know what's going on. They've got money, they have a house. They just everyone knows everything. And then you get to this age and you're like, oh, so many of those people had no idea what they were doing. We just assumed they did.

They just make it work and just, yeah, we are all big kids. Just, you know, just trying to find, you'll figure out life, I guess, but it did in different ways. You know, we still have struggles and insecurities. It's just different. It's just.

What's something you learnt the hard way? Like the. I guess it would be something. Yeah. You as you got older you realised, oh, this is what you gotta do.

That is no one coming to rescue me. Like there's no-.

Hey hey!

No, no, there's no...

Well that fills me with confidence!

That is not like a big event happening that I would change my life. Like life is pretty..

Yeah okay.

You know what I mean? Life's pretty simple in a sense. Like you go to work...

And you have to be comfortable with it.

And you come back like there's, I feel like when I was younger, I had this dream of feeling that everything would change one day, you know, things would just magically happen and it doesn't happen. You know, most 90% of life is like, I go to work, I come back home, I have the kids, that little sprinkles of magical moments when kids reach a milestone or, you know, we achieve something, we buy a house. But these are little, little pieces of it. Most of the time it's just the grind of working and going through the motions of being alive. And that is that was hard for me because I felt at a time that was like, it felt like it made me sad of like, whoa, wow, okay, why am I not achieving all these things? Like, what is, what is it that is going to happen? It's like, no, no, no. And you re-evaluate everything and you're like, well, I'm pretty blessed. And I have healthy children.

So your view of success changed?

Exactly. That's right.

I was the same. I always thought when I was younger, I'm going to get famous. I'm gonna get rich. I'm going to have an amazing job. I'm going to travel the world. And then I think particularly after having kids at about 30, you're like, oh, I don't give a fuck about those things. And I just want my kids to be happy and healthy and to spend time with them.

And my, there's so much I want to try and say. I'm really struggling with the words.

Hey, it's a podcast. We can make it as long as you want.

No, it's this feeling of you understand time. I feel like now I understand time as a limiting, limiting factor. Is it like you don't have infinite time?

I know how much it accelerates, right?

Yes!

When you're young, you feel like every year takes ages. And now it's like, oh, another year just went.

And I can't give, let's say, oh, I'm going to change jobs. And I, I'm, I want to be a nurse. I can't give away ten years of my life that don't have that, you know, that would take so much of what I have now and impact the kids and life in such a way. Like you just don't you really have to. It's hard to see to understand that, like you've got a limited amount of time. That was a big one for me. Like, wow, okay. I'm like, you know, approaching my 40s.

You know what? The curse, the curse of growing up, I think, is that while you're doing it, you're constantly thinking about wanting to be older. Like I remember being at school and just being like, God, I just want to be out of school. I just want to be finished with this. I just want to be an adult. I want to be, you know, free. I don't want to be a child anymore. And then when you get to, I don't know, probably started with me in my 30s, you start looking back and being like, oh no, they were probably the best years of my life. Like up to that point. It's sort of like I didn't know how good I had it. And you only kind of learn that after the fact. That's the irony of it.

Isn't it beautiful, though?

Yeah. Well...

Life, it's such a trick. Like, you have all these potential in youth, but you know nothing. And then when you have maybe you have a little bit of money and you, you have the understanding. You don't have the youth.

Well, this hindsight is 2020, right? You look back on everything and you can criticise it and think about it and evaluate it more objectively. But yeah, I definitely, I always think about that when my kids are like, I just want to be older. I just, I don't want to be, I don't like, you know, being a kid and you're like, dude, trust me, this is as good as it gets. Enjoy. Stop thinking about other problems and just play Minecraft. Hang out with your mates. You know, eat junk food. Just chill.

Pretty much.

Yeah, I know it's a bit like that. What's a mistake that you you're glad you made, when you were younger?

Oh, that.

Is so you.

Can talk about the ones you made when you were older. But we can save those.

When I was younger and I was glad I made. Man, I don't know! I really don't know because there were things that like, I don't even know if I can look at certain things as like, oh, that was a mistake.

Yeah, okay.

Like they were all, that's the other thing. You get older, you look back and you're like, well, I did what I did with the information I had at the time, I didn't know any better.

Yeah.

You know, let's say I didn't have a good relationship with my parents, but, you know, like knowing that I was so young, I didn't have the tools, emotional tools, or even the understanding to fix that. And it's like I made mistakes for sure. But like, I also didn't know anything.

That's the hardest part. I went through that with university going through God 11.5, 12 years of uni and then ending up a podcaster or a YouTuber or an online influencer, whatever you want to call it. It felt like for a while I was like, God, did I just waste 11.5 years of my life, you know? Was that a huge mistake doing that and then not actually using it?

No.

But then looking back, I'm like, it's taught you everything, you know, it's made you the person you are. And you just have to kind of accept that the journey is the journey and that's part of it. The destination isn't the main focus.

And your construction of things like you like from that experience, you had so much growing and you met people and you, you know, like, I don't I know it's hard to be that analytical looking back because obviously Not saying that. Oh, I didn't make mistakes, I did. But also I gave grace to the person I was because I didn't know anything. You know, I could have treated people better. I could have, you know, tried to reach out to my parents a bit more. But, you know, it's just, I don't know. I'm sure I'm making mistakes right now. Just like- I've, in ten years, I'll be like...

Can't wait to know what they are in ten years.

That was dumb. But you know, now it feels fine. So just live in the present.

So so after all that, what, what actually matters now? Like if someone asked you what a good life actually looks like, how would you describe it?

I guess having healthy children, it's a big one. For me because I have people very close to me who struggle with like kids, kids having cancer or like being, having so many other, you know, health scares and stuff and I, because our children are so good, sort of take it for granted. And I cannot imagine going through that feeling of we can lose a child overnight, you know, like having healthy, happy children that only know love. Like these children are so spoilt and sheltered. That is a big thing for me. If I can make that last for as long as possible, my I've my job is done.

It's funny, I remember that growing up and you would watch movies or there would be, you know, stuff in pop culture where they would say the children lost their innocence because of an event or something they saw or something that happened. And at the time, you sort of like, what the hell are they talking about? And now I'm like, oh, I totally get it. You just want your kids to not be thinking about adult problems, adult fears. You just want them to be able to enjoy.

Any little things. Like sometimes I'll be watching a video with Noah who is very, very, very sensitive child. And that will be it was a cartoon thing. But then this character stepped on a like a little stick or something. His foot and he flinches. Like even that is like, this child is so.

Sensitive.

Sensitive and blessed and innocent. Like that is scary to him.

Yeah.

I don't want any other big, you know, issues and, and fears and horrible things to reach him for as long as possible. Like, I just want to make sure they leave that beautiful innocence that lasts for as long as we can. And that is only so much we can do. You know, they're at school now, and I'm sure they'll come across the wrong things and but, you know, just keeping them innocent and in child and, you know, child like.

Getting them to enjoy their childhood as much as possible. What do you think genuinely makes a good week now? How do you have a genuinely good week? What does it look like for you?

Well, if I don't not like, stressing about making sure that I'm not late to the gym or to work and organising, like, it's a lot like.

First world problems.

With one car.

Yes.

That is very, very, very particular to us. Like, I'm not saying, you know, not it's not a big philosophical thing for me. A good weeks, like I made all my appointments, the, the struggle of who takes the car, whatever is not too much like we've got it sorted when it happens and I'm like relaxed. Yeah, that's a good way. When things go smoothly, kids are fine, which never, it never really happens. Like we reach Wednesday.

There's no perfect week.

.. it's a shitshow. It's well, yeah. But anyway, it's just when things go smoothly, like we don't have big changes and we make things work with, with the limitations we have. It's that's a good week. I don't know.

No, yeah.

Going to the gym and doing my thing.

I think it's having that good balance, right, of work time. You time. Family time.

Yeah.

And if you can make that work and in each situation, it's enjoyable. You're not overly stressed.

Well, if it's like, if I'm, you know, hitting the gym and doing all that, but then the kids are screaming for having wanting to have time with me. I've let the, you know, I've let them down somewhat. Like I feel like, okay, I have to put a little bit more into this. So it doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes we have a week that is like everyone got their cups filled up a little bit. So yeah.

All right, let's go through some rapid fire questions. More money or more free time?

More money. Then you'll make free time if you have money. Yeah, we'll fix that.

I don't know if it always works that way.

Well it does.

Big, big city or small town?

I've, I would say big city. I'm in the vibe now. Like, I don't know. Yeah. I'm sort of.

Okay. Career success or work life balance?

Work life balance. Hands down.

Well done. High five for that. Travel or family?

Well, not travel with family?

Porque no los dos! Why not both!

Yeah, well, I love to travel, but I also wanna you guys to experience that, so. Yeah.

Be 18 again or stay at the same age you are now?

Oh, God. Stay the same age. There's no way I would go back to being 18.

Really?

Absolutely not.

I would feel like I had all this knowledge, and I would be like, everyone around me is way more ignorant.

I've got muscle now, man. I've got quads.

You've been doing squats.

Like there's no way.

Mansion or early retirement?

Early retirement. 100%.

Know the future or stay surprised?

Ah, stay surprised.

One best friend or 20 casual friends?

One best friend.

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. I feel like, I feel like I agree with the most of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Other than the big city.

Yeah. So I guess questions for listeners then for things for you guys to think about, what did you think your life would be like by now? And what's one thing adulthood turned out to be completely different from what you expected, you know? Yeah. So. Cool. Hope you've enjoyed this episode, guys. And we'll see you in the next one.

Bye!

Bye!